Just a reminder that I love you and I have no forgotten about adding a new entry. Life and business has been very busy recently. We just closed on a new rental property (2700 Charlwood) and are working on buying another (140 Applewood). We (me and your mother) are also working on pivoting the business in an effort to continue building. Last year I made over $1M from the business. The richest man in the world, Elon Musk, also gave me $1M. True story, if I haven’t told you the story yet, ask me about it.
Anyways, I love you Elisha—so much.
New truck
About 2 months ago I bought a new truck. A 2021 Ram 1500 midnight edition. It’s a beauty. And you absolutely love the truck. I’ve been taking you with me more often when I have to run errands in the truck, just because I know how much you love it.
A realization
I’ve come to this realization that you love me so much. And for some reason this scares me slightly. Why you might be wondering? Well, because—I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I lose my temper. I do or say something to you that I don’t actually mean and shouldn’t have said.
For example, a week ago we were at Dairy Queen (your current favorite place to go, in Kernersville, about a 20 minute drive). And you hadn’t yet learned how to properly eat ice cream with a spoon without making a huge mess. And for some reason this annoyed me. So much that I began fussing at you and telling you to not be so messy.
You tried your best to not make a mess. I could tell that you were trying so hard. And then suddenly… a big drop of ice cream fell on your already messy ice cream covered shirt. I lost my temper and told you that if you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself clean, that I wouldn’t take you with us to Dairy Queen anymore.
You looked at me, with big watery eyes, and said “but I love you daddy. I love being with you”. At that very moment I should have dropped my pride and gave you a big huge and told you I was sorry for getting mad at you. However, I didn’t.
Instead I just stopped talking for one to two minutes and stopped looking at you. Then, your mother left the table with Adin and Adelaide to grab something. I looked over at you, and you were just frozen. Not eating your ice cream. Not eating your french fries, just sitting there starring off into space.
I was crushed. Even thinking about it now, listening to passado/futuro by O Terno, writing this, my eyes swell up with tears. What have I done? What am I doing? Say something Joshua, do something!
I scoot over to you as close as I can get, wrap my arm around you, and pull you in toward my face. I tell you how much I love you and that I am sorry for how I treated you. I told you that it’s okay if you make a mess with your ice cream. It’s not a big deal. In fact, I have a good idea… let’s tuck a napkin in your shirt collar like a bib so that when ice cream falls, it won’t fall on your shirt.
I remind you that daddy is not perfect. I make mistakes. I say things that I don’t mean sometimes when I am upset or angry. But that is no excuse, and I will work on being better for you because you deserve the best parts of me, not the worst.
You look at me, eyes watery, a single tear drop rolling down your face. I gaze into your eyes and ask you, “do you understand what I’m saying to you Elisha? Daddy loves you so much”. “I understand” you reply. And then you continue eating your ice cream.
This encounter reminded me that I shouldn’t be scared of your love for me, my beloved son. I should instead use it as a reminder to show up as a better father for you. To show up as not just a father, but to show up as a dad for you. Something that I personally never had in my life growing up.
One week later
So that happened a week ago. Today, one week later, we went to Dairy Queen again.
You were excited, and rightfully so. A trip to Dairy Queen was a guarantee of french fries and chocolate ice cream.
As our food and ice cream arrived to our table, I tucked a napkin into your shirt, preparing for a glorious mess (which this time, I was ready for and okay with).
As our meals approached the end, I looked over at your shirt and napkin bib, and to my shock, it was spotless!
“Elisha, your shirt… it’s spotless. Boy, great job I am so proud of you”, I said to you.
You cast a brief glance at me and continue eating your ice cream—being careful not to spill it on yourself from your spoon. You even placed an extra napkin in front of you on the table just incase ice cream fell on the table, it would instead fall on the napkin.
I looked up at your mom, and we both smile at each other. “Are you seeing this? This is impressive”. She smiles and agrees.