With each new passing stage in life, a new door in your heart is unlocked.
I remember when my mom, your grandma, used to always say to me, “You’ll never understand how much I love you until you have kids of your own”. I can attest, this is the truth.
Today I stumbled upon photos of you when you were one and two. A small child, still experiencing the world with fresh eyes. A certain innocence exists in your gaze.
And as I look at those photos, I fight back tears. But after so much fighting, I have to let them go. And so as I look at photos of you from the past, I cry. And these are complicated tears.
They are tears of the sweetest joy, and they are tears of sorrow. A double-edged sword. A bittersweet symphony of memories from even just a couple of years ago.
And that’s the crazy part… these are pictures from only one or two years ago. In the grand scheme of time, that is not long at all. But, that’s where it gets complicated.
You see, you will not always be a baby. You will always be my baby boy, but one day you will be a man. A man who creates his own paths and fights his own battles. A man who has a family of his own, a life of his own.
And so even though I look at these photos from just one or two years ago, the reason I cry is that I know this season is very limited. You will not always be a little boy who invites his father’s loving grasp.
Time is a gift and time is a curse. The gift of time is that we have it and can experience life within it. The curse of time is that it is limited. Every year, every day, and every second that goes by, we cannot get it back.
But this awareness has helped me to realize that I need to be fully present with you when I’m spending time with you.
I was talking with your mom today, and I told her, “One of these days I’m going to greatly miss Elisha asking me to play ‘hey guys’ and saying ‘wanna play with the lion!?’.”
And that’s why I try my hardest to be cognizant and present with you as much as possible. Because I will never know when the “last” time will be. The last time you ask me to play “hey guys” with you. The last time you ask me to “play with the lion” with you. Because one of these days, that game will be a thing of the past.
As I sit here writing this, I do it with a lump in my throat. Tears blur my vision as they welt up in my eyes. Because I know that one day when you are much older than 3, you will be reading this. And yet here I am in the current present writing this. It’s a bizarre feeling knowing that the older version of my little baby boy will be reading this one day long from now. But is it really that long? Because I’ve been told that time flies, and “before you know it they are off getting married and starting their own life”. We’ll see about that. But for now, I know I will take full advantage of our time now. I love you, my son, more than you will ever be able to fully comprehend. Or maybe you will, once you have your own one day.
A funny new experience
The other day you had me laughing so hard. Let me give you some content. So, right now you’re in this phase where you throw things, particularly when you are frustrated or upset.
You’ve gotten in trouble for doing this quite a bit, and you understand that it is wrong to throw things. Mommy has even spanked you for this.
So the other day we were playing in your bedroom (on Windy Xing), and I was eating an apple slice that still had a piece of the core on it. And so I bit the core off and put it on the bed.
You looked at it and said, “What is thatttttt?” I giggled and said “It’s a piece of my apple”, and then proceeded to put it on your iPad screen. You looked at it as it sat on your iPad and laughed. You then picked it up and threw it at me, and we both laughed. It was great. And so, I then picked it up and threw the apple piece back at you. You then ran into our bedroom where mommy was and said “Mommy mommy, daddy is throwing stuff in my room!”. I lost it, I let out such a big laugh because this was the first time you ever “tattle-tailed”. Mommy then asked you, “Should I spank Daddy?”. Keep in mind, maybe 30 minutes prior to all of this, you had been spanked by Mommy for throwing things. And so when mommy asked you if would you like me to spank daddy, you smiled real big and said yes.
The entire situation was so comical and filled me with such joy. It was a reminder that day by day, you are growing up and starting to develop your own unique personality. It filled me with such pride and joy.
Your love for cars, on a new level
I bought you a couple of 12V ride-on cars recently. A Power Wheels Jeep Wrangler and a Peg Perego John Deere Tractor. In fact, here’s a picture of us driving home with the Jeep in the box, you were beyond thrilled.
You were a little hesitant to ride at first, but you quickly built up the confidence and you now ride them every day as long as you can. In fact, it got to a point where we started doing some extreme stunts with your Jeep.
And then the stunts got progressively more extreme.
Also, the other day I had you use your tractor to bring some stuff to the side of the road for bulk yard pickup day. You loved every second of it, and I was very proud of you.
Anyways, I love you so much, Elisha. My beloved son. And I am so incredibly proud of the young boy you are becoming. There is still so much to learn on your journey, but I will never lead you astray.
You are so insanely wise for your age. You’re smart, brave, decisive, determined, and passionate. I also love how methodical and observant you are. These are traits that will be very important as you continue to grow up, and I will be watching all of them closely.
I love you, son, until next time.