Last night we had our bi-weekly sleep over. I love these nights with you Elisha. I love them because these are precious and cherished moments that won’t last forever, and I want to do everything in my power to take advantage of this time I have with you now. During our sleep overs, we usually start off by going to McDonalds, and brining it home to watch whatever show you are watching during that season. Sometimes it’s Puppy Dog Pals, sometimes it’s Carl The Collector, sometimes it’s Paw Patrol… during last night’s sleepover, we watched Gabby’s Playhouse. After we finish eating we usually go downstairs and play the Playstation. We’ll explore different games and try them. Last night we played a lot of different games, the one you enjoyed the most though was called ‘The Crew 2’. It’s basically a non-violent version of GTA. After that, we usually head upstairs to your room and play ‘hey guys’ and make fart jokes and laugh as we are falling asleep.
I try and remember to take pictures and videos of our sleepovers, because these will be so cherished one day.
Anyways, last night I did something I am still ashamed of today as I write this. I got so angry with you because you were being somewhat disrespectful to me—but not enough for me to have done what I did. I turned on my loud angry voice, and began shouting at you about how you were being disrespectful and how we will never have sleep overs again. As I’m shouting at you, you were paralyzed with fear standing in your closest crying, hardly able to breath because you were crying so hard. Mommy was there, and she had to remind me to calm down, that you were. only 5 and were having a hard time answering the question I was asking you because you were overwhelmed and scared.
I’ll never forget how you were looking at me as I was angry at you. I feel ashamed, and I will try my absolute hardest to never get that angry and verbally violent toward you again.
I thank God that I have never been physically violent toward you. My father was very physically abusive, and would often beat us badly. On one occasion he beat us for several hours, until our butts were bleeding. When he left the house for a little while to go to church, our granny came and rescued us. We didn’t see my dad for 6-8 months after that.
I’m saying that to say, that I know those violent tendencies may still exist in me. Perhaps not though, I believe it’s possible that God healed me, which is why I’ve never gotten physically violent with you.
But last night scared me. Last night, I saw something come out of me that I haven’t seen since my dad was physically abusive to me. And I never want to see it again.
Soon after that moment passed, we hugged. Then mommy left the room and we laid down side by side, facing each other. I explained to you that I was so very sorry for that moment, and that I wish I never got that angry at you, and that daddy would work to never let that happen again. I meant that. Tears streamed down your face as I talked to you, but not tears of fear, tears of relieve and calmness. I hope that you never have to see that side of me again. And then suddenly, you started giggling. I said, “what’s funny baby boy?” You said “your haircut! Your haircut looks funny!” to which I began laughing because… what? You are so funny baby.
You then asked me “did you mean what you said, about never having sleep overs again? Or were you just saying that because you were mad. Remember, you said that sometimes people say things when they’re mad that they don’t actually mean?” I smiled and replied “yes baby boy, I didn’t actually mean that. Of course we will have plenty of sleepovers again. Of course.”
Video taken on August 9, 2025 at 3:05 AM